I love this take. I choose to save myself, and it’s not for any religious reasons. It’s actually about the liberation of having the option to choose and recognizing that I am a protector of my body. This post really spoke to me…thank you for sharing.✨
Do you think that your use of the phrase "save myself" implies your decision to not engage in sexual activity is "better" than the alternate choice? Not judging, just interested in the meaning behind the language we use referencing this topic :)
I enjoyed this. I’m also a Christian woman that choose not to be sexually active for a variety of reasons and society can make you feel like a prude or a weirdo. Like sometimes I would feel embarrassed to be a virgin or sexually inexperienced. Very much Madonna vs the Whore complex in today’s society. You’re either or when many young women such as myself wouldn’t be either. And no one should be shamed. Although being hypersexual at an early age raises red flags for me ngl.
I don’t understand how the hypersexualization of young girls and women isn’t seen for what it is: a tool of the patriarchy and an enabler of rape culture.
My mom raises foster kids, almost all of whom have suffered some kind of physical or sexual abuse. And she’s been in situations where a social worker told her it was a red flag that she didn’t encourage a 12 year old girl to have boyfriends, because « that’s what girlhood is about! » A little while later we discovered that the girls placed in a local group home were prostituting themselves.
This is an extreme example but it goes to show how little society actually cares to protect girls and women because the purpose we are supposed to serve is the sexual satisfaction of men, not our own.
It made me really appreciate my mom drilling into mine and every child’s head who came into our house that your body only belongs to you and no one has any right over it.
love the visuals in this! although i do think that when we speak about virginity (especially in the context of religion, i.e. sworn celibacy or a vow to chastity) it is incredibly important to take wider context into account. most women (in a religious context, like that muslim woman whose tiktok you referred to) make such choices in the backdrop of a religion that places extreme value and importance in the concept of chastity. their entire honor and worth as a person is based on their chastity and it is not the choice it appears to be, even if religious women insist it is (source: me, an ex-muslim who was incredibly religious but left recently). of course, my opinion is one opinion and you (and others) can disagree and have differing views, but i'd die on the hill that religion sets the stage for women to feel pressured (subtly, if not obviously) to make such choices. to remain chaste, to become a nun, to not have sex. usually, the same people who abstain from sex also end up placing a lot of value in their virginity. in many cultures (like mine, south east asian), the honor of not only the woman, but the ENTIRE family depends on her chastity. under such circumstances, even if a woman 'feels' like virginity is her choice, it isn't. and this isn't even limited to my culture. with the rise of trad culture and right-wing politics, we see these values returning in the global world too. i know you're writing from your own personal experience and perspective, but i just think it's crucial to recognize + acknowledge that for centuries women make these 'choices' because the opposite makes them a bad person in the eyes of others (and their own). i do agree with the idea that women's sexuality shouldn't even be such a huge topic of discussion; but because it is, especially in a religious context, it's impossible to have an educated conversation on this topic without taking into account the influence religion has in making these decisions.
I do feel like a lot of times black American cultures aren’t aligned with the rest of American ways so I tend to focus on that. But I also agree that there’s been propaganda being put out supporting purity culture and rape culture deeply influencing young women.
I briefly mention that further below in the article, even though the main point was that freedom of choice is sexual liberation. Although I understand your very valid point. This is coming from an African American perspective who comes from both a Muslim and a Christian background, even Black Christians and Black Muslims would try to coerce me into having sex early. Which I felt was disrespectful. When I wasn’t Christian at all, I still chose not to have sex. I did think about people in different cultures forced by things such as purity culture, but it wasn’t as directed towards that perspective as much. Though your perspective is very insightful and dives more into what I briefly went over. Like the how religion and certain cultures such as rape culture place such importance on whether you have sex or not. You and I experienced two opposite sides of the coin, and I love that you shared your experience here because as a Black American woman, I could only speak on what I experienced. I’m sure anyone else can be moved and relate to what you just wrote. Thank you for sharing. I do think another point I was making is that your virginity or what you do with your body should, to a certain extent, matter, but it should never matter to the point where people are looking down on you for that decision. We are all adults.
“As I became a young adult other adults would tell me that I needed to have sex. I didn’t need to do shit but stay black and die but I digress.” SAY IT LOUDER! this is such a relevant take because it goes back to the conversation of the exclusivity of feminism. how feminists only support those who fit their own standards rather than supporting everyone that feminism should.
This write up is something I can relate to so well and honestly I think seeing it from this angle makes so much sense.
Remembering how I didn't want to have sex and guys would call me 'weird' or a lesbian but now that I see I'm not alone in this it feels more liberating.
This is extremely relatable and extremely well written. Luckily I haven't have many back handed comments because I tend to find myself around people who are kind of the same as me. But on the last part about people (mainly men) preying after innocence (and the tendency for them to see taking virginity as some sort of challenge or competition) I think it's a huge issue so thank you for writing so eloquently about it <3
I absolutely love this piece. I shared a similar one on account(I’d be grateful if you took the time to read it) but it’s so nice to see like minded people , people that understand the concept of freedom and free will, and choose not to shame anyone for their choices. Thank you for this.
Do people know that sexual liberation is just having the sex life (even if it’s non existent) that you want and not feeling pressure or shame for engaging in one or the other based on societal expectation or do people not know that yet….
People seem to not be able to grasp that. This is the very point I’ve been tryna make! I never made no one feel alienated for sexual things they do and the same should apply to others.
i feel this point teeters very close to choice feminism. liberation is not freedom of choice if that choice makes you inherently unfree and further perpetuates your oppression. of course choosing to not be sexually active is not an example of an oppressive “choice”but statements like this can be a slippery slope. people in your comments are using statements such as “saving themselves” this is problematic. saving themselves from what? you can talk about virginity and abstinence without demonizing sexuality.
I also am not responsible for what people comment. To simplify it, all I meant was stop giving a fuck about what a woman chooses to do with her a body and just because you do something does not mean everyone has to. Idgaf if ppl have multiple sexual partners but if someone tries to coerce into doing the same, that’s an issue to me
i think your essay conveyed your message well and ofc you can’t control your comments. virginity can be just as liberating as being sexually active, as long as you have a free mind. but it unfortunately seems mentioning virginity always brings all types of people out of the woodworks. both feminists and non feminists alike (i.e, the m*n who infiltrated in the comments)
also i loved your point about women who are sexually active not even knowing what their own bodies look/function like. how are you liberated when you can’t even find your own pleasure center? i liked that a lot
Yess it’s very important to explore yourself and your sexuality before someone else does. You enjoy yourself more when you’re comfortable with your body completely. But it seems as if it’s taboo for women to explore themselves
I noticed people tend to project their issues onto this piece even a m*n commented something unnecessary. This piece wasn’t to bash sexuality. In fact, what I wrote below spoke to how religious corruption can contribute to rape culture. I did not really expect this to get the attention it got but I could not cover this side of the spectrum too much. It is only from my perspective as an American.
I truly miss being a virgin. Dating had been so fun. Things would end with no hard feelings. There was respect. I was incredibly comfortable in my body, and with my sensuality… I had it taken at 33, by some idiot who was recently divorced, and my life hasn’t been the same. The contrast is just miserable. I doubt I’ll ever find my guy now. It’s like my soul has been robbed
This was such a refreshing read. I feel like in today’s age you are more often shamed for not engaging in sexual activity but also fetishised. Like men love that you’re a virgin but also want to be the one to take it, like they’re entitled to it, and it’s so empowering every time to assert that boundary. It’s reinforcement that my body is mine and I do what I want with it when I want.
I apologize for not being clearer. A woman--any woman--can throw open her front door and demand penis, and by nightfall she'll have it. It may not be the organ or the man she wanted but she can get it.
A man can throw open the door of his mansion and demand vagina and he'll get it, provided he looks like Timothy "Chin" Chalamet.
I love this take. I choose to save myself, and it’s not for any religious reasons. It’s actually about the liberation of having the option to choose and recognizing that I am a protector of my body. This post really spoke to me…thank you for sharing.✨
Do you think that your use of the phrase "save myself" implies your decision to not engage in sexual activity is "better" than the alternate choice? Not judging, just interested in the meaning behind the language we use referencing this topic :)
I enjoyed this. I’m also a Christian woman that choose not to be sexually active for a variety of reasons and society can make you feel like a prude or a weirdo. Like sometimes I would feel embarrassed to be a virgin or sexually inexperienced. Very much Madonna vs the Whore complex in today’s society. You’re either or when many young women such as myself wouldn’t be either. And no one should be shamed. Although being hypersexual at an early age raises red flags for me ngl.
I agree that hypersexuality at a very young age is a red flag but often normalized. I love that you enjoyed this as well thank you for readinggg💕
This is so true. I always get concerned when I see it cause someone had to expose them early on
hyper sexuality in adolescence is almost always a sign of abuse, but society has normalized that in young people too
don’t need to do shit but stay black and die is gonna be a line i carry with me forever lol
I absolutely love your take and 100% agree.
I don’t understand how the hypersexualization of young girls and women isn’t seen for what it is: a tool of the patriarchy and an enabler of rape culture.
My mom raises foster kids, almost all of whom have suffered some kind of physical or sexual abuse. And she’s been in situations where a social worker told her it was a red flag that she didn’t encourage a 12 year old girl to have boyfriends, because « that’s what girlhood is about! » A little while later we discovered that the girls placed in a local group home were prostituting themselves.
This is an extreme example but it goes to show how little society actually cares to protect girls and women because the purpose we are supposed to serve is the sexual satisfaction of men, not our own.
It made me really appreciate my mom drilling into mine and every child’s head who came into our house that your body only belongs to you and no one has any right over it.
love the visuals in this! although i do think that when we speak about virginity (especially in the context of religion, i.e. sworn celibacy or a vow to chastity) it is incredibly important to take wider context into account. most women (in a religious context, like that muslim woman whose tiktok you referred to) make such choices in the backdrop of a religion that places extreme value and importance in the concept of chastity. their entire honor and worth as a person is based on their chastity and it is not the choice it appears to be, even if religious women insist it is (source: me, an ex-muslim who was incredibly religious but left recently). of course, my opinion is one opinion and you (and others) can disagree and have differing views, but i'd die on the hill that religion sets the stage for women to feel pressured (subtly, if not obviously) to make such choices. to remain chaste, to become a nun, to not have sex. usually, the same people who abstain from sex also end up placing a lot of value in their virginity. in many cultures (like mine, south east asian), the honor of not only the woman, but the ENTIRE family depends on her chastity. under such circumstances, even if a woman 'feels' like virginity is her choice, it isn't. and this isn't even limited to my culture. with the rise of trad culture and right-wing politics, we see these values returning in the global world too. i know you're writing from your own personal experience and perspective, but i just think it's crucial to recognize + acknowledge that for centuries women make these 'choices' because the opposite makes them a bad person in the eyes of others (and their own). i do agree with the idea that women's sexuality shouldn't even be such a huge topic of discussion; but because it is, especially in a religious context, it's impossible to have an educated conversation on this topic without taking into account the influence religion has in making these decisions.
I do feel like a lot of times black American cultures aren’t aligned with the rest of American ways so I tend to focus on that. But I also agree that there’s been propaganda being put out supporting purity culture and rape culture deeply influencing young women.
I briefly mention that further below in the article, even though the main point was that freedom of choice is sexual liberation. Although I understand your very valid point. This is coming from an African American perspective who comes from both a Muslim and a Christian background, even Black Christians and Black Muslims would try to coerce me into having sex early. Which I felt was disrespectful. When I wasn’t Christian at all, I still chose not to have sex. I did think about people in different cultures forced by things such as purity culture, but it wasn’t as directed towards that perspective as much. Though your perspective is very insightful and dives more into what I briefly went over. Like the how religion and certain cultures such as rape culture place such importance on whether you have sex or not. You and I experienced two opposite sides of the coin, and I love that you shared your experience here because as a Black American woman, I could only speak on what I experienced. I’m sure anyone else can be moved and relate to what you just wrote. Thank you for sharing. I do think another point I was making is that your virginity or what you do with your body should, to a certain extent, matter, but it should never matter to the point where people are looking down on you for that decision. We are all adults.
“As I became a young adult other adults would tell me that I needed to have sex. I didn’t need to do shit but stay black and die but I digress.” SAY IT LOUDER! this is such a relevant take because it goes back to the conversation of the exclusivity of feminism. how feminists only support those who fit their own standards rather than supporting everyone that feminism should.
This was so well written! I loved your perspective and it’s given me a lot to think about especially after this love day weekend
This write up is something I can relate to so well and honestly I think seeing it from this angle makes so much sense.
Remembering how I didn't want to have sex and guys would call me 'weird' or a lesbian but now that I see I'm not alone in this it feels more liberating.
It's good that you wrote about this
Beautiful piece❤️
This is extremely relatable and extremely well written. Luckily I haven't have many back handed comments because I tend to find myself around people who are kind of the same as me. But on the last part about people (mainly men) preying after innocence (and the tendency for them to see taking virginity as some sort of challenge or competition) I think it's a huge issue so thank you for writing so eloquently about it <3
I absolutely love this piece. I shared a similar one on account(I’d be grateful if you took the time to read it) but it’s so nice to see like minded people , people that understand the concept of freedom and free will, and choose not to shame anyone for their choices. Thank you for this.
Do people know that sexual liberation is just having the sex life (even if it’s non existent) that you want and not feeling pressure or shame for engaging in one or the other based on societal expectation or do people not know that yet….
People seem to not be able to grasp that. This is the very point I’ve been tryna make! I never made no one feel alienated for sexual things they do and the same should apply to others.
I don’t be knowing how people do not comprehend that yet
i feel this point teeters very close to choice feminism. liberation is not freedom of choice if that choice makes you inherently unfree and further perpetuates your oppression. of course choosing to not be sexually active is not an example of an oppressive “choice”but statements like this can be a slippery slope. people in your comments are using statements such as “saving themselves” this is problematic. saving themselves from what? you can talk about virginity and abstinence without demonizing sexuality.
I also am not responsible for what people comment. To simplify it, all I meant was stop giving a fuck about what a woman chooses to do with her a body and just because you do something does not mean everyone has to. Idgaf if ppl have multiple sexual partners but if someone tries to coerce into doing the same, that’s an issue to me
i think your essay conveyed your message well and ofc you can’t control your comments. virginity can be just as liberating as being sexually active, as long as you have a free mind. but it unfortunately seems mentioning virginity always brings all types of people out of the woodworks. both feminists and non feminists alike (i.e, the m*n who infiltrated in the comments)
also i loved your point about women who are sexually active not even knowing what their own bodies look/function like. how are you liberated when you can’t even find your own pleasure center? i liked that a lot
Yess it’s very important to explore yourself and your sexuality before someone else does. You enjoy yourself more when you’re comfortable with your body completely. But it seems as if it’s taboo for women to explore themselves
I noticed people tend to project their issues onto this piece even a m*n commented something unnecessary. This piece wasn’t to bash sexuality. In fact, what I wrote below spoke to how religious corruption can contribute to rape culture. I did not really expect this to get the attention it got but I could not cover this side of the spectrum too much. It is only from my perspective as an American.
I truly miss being a virgin. Dating had been so fun. Things would end with no hard feelings. There was respect. I was incredibly comfortable in my body, and with my sensuality… I had it taken at 33, by some idiot who was recently divorced, and my life hasn’t been the same. The contrast is just miserable. I doubt I’ll ever find my guy now. It’s like my soul has been robbed
This was such a refreshing read. I feel like in today’s age you are more often shamed for not engaging in sexual activity but also fetishised. Like men love that you’re a virgin but also want to be the one to take it, like they’re entitled to it, and it’s so empowering every time to assert that boundary. It’s reinforcement that my body is mine and I do what I want with it when I want.
It's only liberating when you have a choice.
That’s the point
I apologize for not being clearer. A woman--any woman--can throw open her front door and demand penis, and by nightfall she'll have it. It may not be the organ or the man she wanted but she can get it.
A man can throw open the door of his mansion and demand vagina and he'll get it, provided he looks like Timothy "Chin" Chalamet.
It’s not a “purity” thing but yes freedom of choice is everything that’s good. do whatever you please