Staying a virgin is also sexually liberating

Why choosing to not have sex or staying a virgin is also liberating

**TW trigger warning mentions SA and abuse

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What is sexual liberation? Well first, we must ask.. what is liberation? Here’s The Oxford definition of Liberation

[lib-uh-rey-shun]

noun

noun: liberation; plural noun: liberations

1. the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression; release.

So what is liberation? True Liberation is freedom. Freedom of choice, action, and thought. I often see sexual liberation portrayed as one way. In media I see women portray it as choosing to sleep with multiple people or embracing the taboo, provocative side of sexuality. When some of those same women notice that a person isn’t as open as they are they become under the impression that the person is “trapped”. They assume that their sexuality is repressed. I have seen this scenario play out often with religious women who choose to be modest.

I remember one day I came across an Islamic woman in a beautiful hijab on TikTok, the comments had some backhanded compliments. I don’t remember most of the exact words so ima just paraphrase some. One comment said something like “You don’t have to wear that” implying that she’s not free because she chose to cover herself. She then argued with commenters suggesting that the person secretly wants to be less modest and is being trapped by the belief system that she chose to follow.

How these niggas make me feel

I put emphasis on chose because it leads me back to my original point—Sexual liberation is freedom of choice and to embrace sexual liberation radically, you must accept that everyone’s choice won’t be the same as yours if I woke up and CHOSE to be a nun that doesn’t make me less free.

Perhaps my definition of freedom isn’t aligned with someone else’s version of freedom but that’s the point. The fact that I even have the freedom legally to become a nun and never have children is liberation. Women including me have protested against many harmful views when it comes to this topic but some tend to neglect other perspectives. This world is full of several cultures, and millions of perspectives…. everything in the world shapes our desires. We are all born different and willing to do different things.

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Growing up as Gen z I lived through eras and many movements born out of new-age feminism such as the slutwalk movement. So I had peers who were inspired by that and would try to convince me that I am not free enough because I am not sneaking around with multiple guys in my teens. At only 14-15 guys would interrogate me about why I wasn’t sexually active. Even adults would imply that I was some type of prude. Girls in group chats told me I wasn’t sexually liberated. In my personal opinion, I don’t think anyone who’s not a grown woman should be “sexually” liberated to that extent because that comes with adult responsibilities biologically and mentally but I didn’t judge. I’m Christian but even if I wasn’t Christian I still wouldn’t be sexually active that young simply because I didn’t want to be. I didn’t care to.

As I became a young adult other adults would tell me that I needed to have sex. I didn’t need to do shit but stay black and die but I digress.

I don’t believe such actions determine whether you know yourself sexually or not. I knew many women who were deemed as “sexually promiscuous” and seemed to lack knowledge of the woman's anatomy. One woman told me she couldn’t even use a tampon or please herself but she was very experienced sexually. Prioritize knowing yourself before being with anyone because people can only meet you as far as you meet yourself. I am very comfortable with my body and can freely talk about things because of this knowledge of within.

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**TW trigger warning { mentions of SA and abuse here}

Rape culture

Now I will talk about one of the many enemies of sexual liberation, rape culture. I feel this topic is relevant because it contributes to why some religious, celibate, or virgin, women may be a target to men mainly but to anyone. The over-sexualization of everything in media such as schoolgirl outfits, religious attires, virginity, etc all contributes to rape culture. It encourages many harmful narratives. I’ve heard people romanticize and fetishize women who are virgins or celibates while simultaneously telling them that virginity is not a big deal and is just a social construct. I stopped sharing with people when I was younger that I was inexperienced because they’d say off-putting creepy things about it. Seeing Catholics, Muslims, and any other spiritual practice sexualized always disturbed me when I remember these women made a vow of modesty to avoid being sexualized. They do not want to be sexualized. Virginity being put on such a pedestal led to a lot of sexual abuse in different parts of society especially in religion.

Misuse of religion influenced this by shaming women and making them feel dirty for natural things. The Madonna Whore complex traps women into being viewed one way which also contributes to that culture. I was only 17 years old when I was forced to accept that I would never be seen clearly in most men’s eyes.. that I would always be a prisoner of perception. I only fit into two categories in most people's minds. Either a whore or a completely innocent woman and such trivial things can ruin the perception of me. Small things like hair color or a song you listened to.

There are also cultural perspectives that people often don’t talk about like from my view as a black American woman I saw black girls get sexualized if they were overdeveloped more. I have seen little girls called “fast” and “too grown” for things out of their control. I also saw how as an adult things that are a part of my blackness are demonized. Some people from different cultures categorized black women as sexually promiscuous vixens because of their curves or the way they express their femininity.

This reminds me of when I was following the diddy case and how he purposely preyed on people such as Cassie who were sexually inexperienced. He loved taking so-called “innocent” naive women and subjecting them to violent sexual assault. Although this scandal is a Hollywood scandal it is very common. People sexualize anything innocent, even the innocence of children. I remember weird things used to trend online like huge age gap relationships, dressing like children and it is disguised as “Coquette”.

As I had a similar brief talk with my boyfriend I then realized and confessed about how liberating it is for me to be able to choose not to have sex. Regardless of weird stares or disrespectful comments about my love life choices, nobody is forcing me to do anything I don’t want to. It feels good. It feels good that I am the only person that currently knows my body well. I know how to please myself and I don’t need anyone outside of myself to make me feel good. It feels great that I don’t have pregnancy scares or std scares. It feels lovely that if I decide to have sex I will choose to have it with someone I love. I love that I can be and feel sexy without sex. Freedom of choice is a luxury people don’t appreciate enough.

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Thanks for reading ladies